GSS 019: Saying Goodbye to Good Times

Full Episode Transcript

This is episode 19 of the Gambling Still Sucks podcast. In this episode, I’ll talk about dealing with the fun that you had while you were gambling and those urges to return.

Hey there and welcome to the Gambling Still Sucks podcast. My name is Jamie. I am a compulsive gambler and I’m also the host of this show. The last time I gambled was July 15th of 2010.

While there are many different questions that pop up from compulsive gamblers as they start to enter recovery or have been in recovery for a while, or even just people that aren’t ready to quit yet, there’s one that seems to be very consistent, and I can appreciate this because it’s something I definitely struggled with personally.

And that really kind of boils down to the: Hey, I had a really, really good time playing whatever game it was. For me, as you know, it was poker. I had so much fun, and it’s kind of a multi-part thing. What do I do? Because I don’t really want to give it up. And also if, and when I do give it up, how do I replace it? How do I deal with kind of getting that same excitement in my life after I quit gambling?

As I said, this was a huge struggle for me personally. My game of choice was poker, and it was something I developed a lot of skill in and a huge love for. I mean, I was an athlete, and poker was right up there with golf and basketball and these other sports that I played. I really spent a lot of time developing my skills and just playing it and enjoying it.

I enjoyed being with other people, and I enjoyed kind of that thrill of victory. Probably in a lot of ways, I enjoyed the agony of defeat too. There’s a part of me that doesn’t like success because I think I’m always striving to do more and get better, and so failure is that opportunity. While you don’t like it, it’s the opportunity to look at it and try and come up with a new and better way to do it going forward. That was definitely my approach when I was playing poker.

It took a long time before I came to grips with the fact that, Hey, this is something I’m going to choose not to do for the rest of my life. This wasn’t something that happened on day one when I got caught and ran off the riverboat. At that point, it was probably the strongest I ever said, Yeah, I don’t want to ever do this again. But as I got further away from that, the desire to play a little bit—at least socially or with friends—started to creep in more and more.

It was probably six to eight months into GA recovery that I was still struggling with, Okay, at some point, am I going to have to give this up for the rest of my life? Now, I’m comfortable in saying, Yeah, that is something I’m going to give up for the rest of my life. I’ll get into the details, but I just want to say to you, if you’re struggling with this early on, it’s completely normal.

I think it’s like anything we do—whether it’s a long-term friend that we spend a lot of time with, and maybe unfortunately they pass away or they move away or something happens to break up that friendship—there’s a mourning period. There’s a loss, and there’s an emptiness that you can’t just go out and replace. That’s another part we’ll talk about later in the podcast: coming up with new ways or new things to kind of replace that time and energy.

But I just want to say upfront: if you’re feeling this way, it’s completely normal. I think we all feel that way, so don’t let those feelings pull you back. I encourage you to push through and to really just kind of examine those feelings. Maybe just push them off to the side for months. That was kind of my approach—Look, I’m not really ready to say that I’m never going to play poker again, but I’m ready to say I’m not going to play today, and I’ll revisit this in six months, in a year, or in three years.

In giving myself that time, I was able to have a lot more clear thinking and to kind of see the full picture.

The Joy of the Game

The first thing I want to talk about is just the joy of the game. I think no matter what game it is, one thing I’ve noticed, especially in GA meetings, is that you see the reaction on people’s faces when they talk about whatever game it was—whether it was a certain casino game, a certain slot machine, a certain card game, or a lottery ticket. Their demeanor completely changes when they start to talk about it.

There’s definitely a reminiscing, and you can tell it’s like talking about a good friend. A good friend that you no longer associate with, but you have all these really positive thoughts and feelings about. That’s definitely one of the hardest things about addiction in general, and especially this one. It’s hard to separate those positive experiences from the negative. For whatever reason, over time, our mindset tends to overexaggerate the good times and really minimize the bad times. That’s kind of what keeps us in the cycle and returning to it.

There was a good feeling, like I said, of an old friend, or just something that brought you joy. It allowed me to avoid some really negative feelings I had too. Even just that ability to avoid those bad feelings was a huge positive, making whatever game you played or I played seem like an old friend that we really have fond memories of—despite the fact that it tore every area of our lives apart. We still have these fond memories.

I think it’s important to look at those positive times but also give equal weight to the negative aspects. Whether you’re on day one or further along, it’s still tough to look back and separate some of those fond memories from the negative ones. The more time you have, the easier it gets. I especially see that with some of the older guys that I’ve met who have 20 or 30 years in recovery. At that point, it’s not even a challenge. It’s something they keep very mindful of, but it’s not nearly as difficult as it is in those early days of deciding you’re not going to revisit those positive feelings.

Telling Yourself the Full Story

The positive feelings always, in our heads, outweigh the negative ones. I think telling ourselves the full story is huge in helping balance those things out. For every positive experience, there were quite a few negatives. One thing that really helped me is to look at it and say, Okay, poker is something I really enjoyed, but it’s just one thing. If I continue to pursue this one thing, I don’t have the option to enjoy anything else.

Pretty much across the board, every other area of my life—personal life, friendships, work—all would go down the toilet if I chose to play poker. Our compulsive nature tends to go 100% into it, eliminating everything else. For me, giving up one thing to have everything else has been extremely freeing. I hope that thought really helps you too. It’s just one thing. Giving that up allows everything else to flourish.

Filling the Time

Another big question is, How do I fill my time? We spent an awful lot of time gambling—whether it was driving to the casino or researching bets. It creates a huge void. The key, especially early on, is how to fill that.

For me, one thing was going to GA meetings. It was a small amount of time, a couple of hours a week, but it was important. I also did a lot of personal self-reflection, personal therapy, and I read a ton of books—more than I should have, probably. That was one way to start to dig in.

Other people dive into different things—working out, video games, or hobbies. One of the things Rob shared was that working out is something he does daily, and that’s been a huge part of his recovery. Working out has positive physical and mental health benefits.

I also put more focus into work, and it has really paid off. Developing new skills or becoming better at whatever you do will reward you with increased revenue or the ability to move into a new job if you dislike your current one. Any hobby or group activity—sports, book clubs—can be great. Focus on things that you can do with others because gambling was such an isolated event, and getting back into something social is positive.

One last point—whatever you choose, be mindful that compulsive behaviors can pop up in all areas of life. It’s something to self-regulate. I self-regulate my work hours to maintain balance and protect my time with my family. Just make sure you’re not substituting one addiction for another.

Conclusion

Like I said, accept the fact that it was something you enjoyed, but remember it’s not worth giving up everything else for. Whether you have 100 days or 10,000 days ahead, make the most of them.

Thank you for listening, and I look forward to seeing you in Episode 20. It’s hard to believe we’re already at Episode 20. The numbers just keep growing, and I appreciate all of you listening.

Now, before you go, I’d like to go over a few very important things.

First of all, I think it’s important to remember that problem gambling is a treatable disorder. There’s no scientific evidence or study that suggests this is just a terminal condition and that we are going to be forced to deal with the negative side effects and results of our actions for the rest of our lives.

While I know that in the moment, it feels like something you’re going to be struggling with forever, science just doesn’t back that up. Recovery is real, but we need to seek out treatment.

If you or someone you know needs help, call the hotline number at 1-800-522-4700. They’re available 24/7 across the U.S. and can guide you to local resources.

Thanks again for listening, and I’ll see you in the next episode.