GSS 018: A Recent Trip and the Power of Keeping My Willpower Tank Full

Full Episode Transcript

This is episode 18 of the Gambling Still Sucks podcast.

In this episode, I discuss a recent trip I took to a place I wouldn’t otherwise go.

Hey there, and welcome to the Gambling Still Sucks podcast. My name is Jamie. I am a compulsive gambler, and I’m also the host of this show. The last day I gambled was July 15th of 2010.

First of all, I want to apologize to anyone that has been waiting for a new episode to come out. As I’ve mentioned before, I like to get these out every Friday. Last week’s did not make it out. It was one of those things. I’ve been really, really busy with work, and I’ll discuss that a little bit in this episode, but I apologize. I wanted to get one out every Friday, and last Friday just didn’t happen.

So that’s an easy segue into what has been happening in my life. As I’ve mentioned in the last few episodes, I’ve been really busy with work. As most of you know, I work in marketing and advertising, and one of the big things each year is working on a trade show. Last week was the culmination of all this hard work and seeing it all come together at the trade show. It was a really good show. Everything went very smoothly, and all my stress eventually sort of drifted away as the week went on.

It’s not a place I would ever travel to personally, and I only go with my wife’s blessing, first of all, and with my own comfort. There was a time even two or three years ago, I probably wouldn’t have gone. Now, I think I’m at a place in my recovery, not that I can go just kind of willy-nilly, but I go with eyes wide open. I think that’s why I have comfort with it: I go knowing my full situation, and I feel very comfortable in my recovery just because of the work that I put in week in and week out.

By putting the proper checks and balances in place, it’s a trip I can now comfortably take without having any issues. This is my second trip—I did my first one last year. Last year, I’ll admit, was really, really stressful. This year was much less stressful, partly because it was the second time, and partly because my wife actually was able to join me this year. While she wasn’t there the first few days, she came out about midway through the trip, which was great.

Having her out there gave me that peace of mind—one, knowing she was there, and more than anything, it just felt less stressful. Last year, all my stress was in trying to check in constantly. I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but there was still that constant need to check in. This year, it was much easier just having her there—”Hey, I’m going to the show, come back.” It worked out well. We went out to dinner a few times, had a nice little mini vacation for ourselves at night, which was great.

Having my wife with me just gave me peace of mind. Bringing somebody along with you, kind of an advocate on your side, is something I definitely suggest if you find yourself in a similar situation where work or friends pull you into a situation.

On that same topic of friends, I will say we had one event—a couple of events—that were at restaurants within casinos that forced us to walk by different places. My wife and I did a good job finding some back ways in and out of places, which was even better. It wasn’t that it really bothered me, but I think it was a comfort for her as well. She didn’t really want to be walking around there with me either.

It’s interesting now—going into it, I wasn’t really looking at the games as much as I was looking at the people. Just that glazed, robotic look on everyone’s face. In the past, I would notice the people who were loud and excited. Now, my attention is just drawn to the people I wish I could reach out to, give them a hug, and share this podcast with, just to say, “Hey, it doesn’t have to be like this anymore.” You see that pain and that suffering from a mile away, just in their eyes.

Even before I went on my trip, while we were driving to the airport, I mentally went through everything. Not that I had any intention of gambling—my thing was poker, and on a trip like this, I wouldn’t have had more than a couple of hours free at any point. But still, I reminded myself of everything I had to lose. My family, my wife, my kids—I know now that if I went back to gambling, they would not be in my life anymore. My wife should leave me, and take the kids with her, because it wouldn’t be fair to them. It would wreck our lives.

So, knowing all of this, it felt like another peaceful thing—reminding myself, “Hey, things are going really well.” And my work’s going really well too—that’s another reason why I wanted to go. All these things, all this awareness, helped me look at that option and realize, “Sure, the opportunity is there, but it would be so dumb.” That awareness—that’s what seven and a half years of recovery gives you.

So having my wife out with me, full awareness going into it, and the third thing—I was fully prepared to tell any of my coworkers, should they suggest we go to a casino, that I wouldn’t be able to join them. It didn’t end up coming up, but I was ready for it. And actually, I think I’m going to tell a few of them about my past struggles soon, just to share why I wouldn’t go if they asked. It wasn’t necessary at the time, but I was comfortable with the idea.

Even just getting home, I think I will tell a couple of my coworkers. I’ll just say, “Hey, the reason I wouldn’t have gone out with you had nothing to do with you or the clients, it’s just that I don’t gamble.” I’ll share some of my background. This is something I’ve gotten comfortable with. If it had been a situation where they were pushing me or teasing me, I absolutely would have said something, because it’s just not worth it.

And I don’t want to go. I wouldn’t suggest anyone go just to watch. Watching other people lose money isn’t fun, and it could potentially be a big trigger. So I don’t put myself in those situations. Being ready to tell coworkers was another big step, and I think it was a mental hurdle, but one I needed to overcome. A few years ago, I don’t think I would have been comfortable with that, which is why I wouldn’t have done a trip like this until I knew I was in a good place.

These kinds of trips are a real test, and I think they show how keeping that “willpower tank” full pays off. If I hadn’t been putting in the work by going to meetings, reading other people’s stories, and sharing my own story, I wouldn’t be comfortable taking this trip. Even if I hadn’t gone to meetings for a while, I wouldn’t have taken this kind of risk. I hope that if my wife had noticed that I wasn’t in a good place, she would have encouraged me not to go.

I don’t bring this up to suggest that anyone take a trip to Vegas or Atlantic City for fun—it’s not a place I would choose to go for leisure. I went because it was for work, and I felt it was important for my job. I needed to make sure I had the proper support in place to protect myself. And beyond that, I wanted to share this experience because, at some point, we’re all going to face situations like this.

Gambling is part of our world. Whether it’s a work event, a family gathering, or something else, situations will arise that are uncomfortable for us as people in recovery. So we need to have those systems in place to help avoid pitfalls. For me, it’s about the awareness I’ve built over the last seven and a half years—about myself, my triggers, and my boundaries. It’s also about doing the work week after week—attending meetings, checking in with others, and sharing my story.

I know that, eventually, I will be near a gambling establishment again, and the same could be true for anyone else listening. It could be a casino, an office fantasy football pool, or something else. We need to be ready, so when that happens, it isn’t a big deal. I can say that this year, going through a similar situation was far easier because of what I learned the previous year.

The first night we went to dinner in a casino, my heart was pounding a bit. I had no desire to gamble, but still, it was a heightened feeling. I found the quickest way in and out and didn’t linger. That awareness helped me—those emotions were a reminder to stay on my guard, and I respected those feelings.

The point of this whole episode isn’t about my decision to go. Some may say it was the wrong decision. People at my GA meeting might say it wasn’t the right call. But at the end of the day, we all have to make our own decisions, and this was mine. I did everything I could to put myself in a position to succeed rather than fail.

One of those things was having my wife come along with me. Her presence alone made a huge difference. At one point, she asked if it was worth the extra cost, and I immediately said yes. It was the best money we could spend. Having her there with me was worth every penny. It made the entire experience less stressful, more enjoyable, and ultimately safer for me.

So, to anyone listening, if you do have to go somewhere or find yourself in a situation near gambling, make sure you’ve got your systems in place: bring someone supportive, prepare yourself mentally, and know what you’re willing to share with those around you. These little things made all the difference for me.

One more story from my trip—something I found interesting. I was in a cab heading to one of our dinners, and I got into a conversation with the cab driver. We were talking about Vegas, and I said something like, “You know, if people just came here and left with the money they came with, things would be so much better.” He laughed a bit, and then he started to tell me how bad it really is. He talked about his nephew, who had to leave the state because of a huge gambling problem—he had no money, a baby on the way, and his gambling just ruined things.

I shared a bit of my story with him, too. I said, “Yeah, I used to struggle with gambling as well. It’s been seven and a half years since I last gambled.” He said, “Wow, that’s really good. Congratulations.” It was a nice moment, being able to connect with someone, even if it was a stranger, and share something positive. He told me another story about a guy who used to come to Vegas every Friday night, and his wife thought he was working late. Eventually, this guy went through millions of dollars and ended up homeless. It’s a sad story, and we both agreed that you just don’t hear these stories enough.

It felt good to be able to open up, even if just for a few moments. And hearing the cab driver’s congratulations was a nice reminder that I’m doing the right thing. It’s also proof of how much good sharing your story can do. Whether it’s with a stranger, a friend, or a coworker, those small connections can be empowering. And who knows—you might just end up helping someone else along the way.

So that’s my story from the trip. I hope that it helps you, especially if you find yourself in a situation where you’re near gambling. This isn’t about encouraging anyone to go hang out in a casino. If you don’t need to go, don’t. But sometimes, situations are out of our control, and we need to be ready for them. That’s why it’s important to keep doing the work, keep filling your willpower tank, and keep building that awareness so you can make the right choice when it counts.

Thank you so much for listening. I’m hoping to get some interviews recorded soon, so keep an eye out for those. The next few episodes will hopefully include discussions with other compulsive gamblers or people in the industry. I look forward to that, and I’ll see you in the next episode.

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Now, before you go, I’d like to go over a few very important things.

First of all, I think it’s important to remember that problem gambling is a treatable disorder. There’s no scientific evidence or study that suggests that this is just a terminal condition and that we’re going to be forced to deal with the negative side effects and results of our actions for the rest of our lives. While I know that in the moment, it feels like this is something that you’re going to be struggling with for the rest of your life—science just doesn’t back that up. Recovery is real, but we just need to seek out treatment.

And so that brings me to point number two, which is that help is available. Many states here in the United States actually offer free counseling and therapy for not only gamblers but family members as well. So you just need to know that these programs are available, and the best way to start finding out more information is to call the hotline number. That’s 1-800-522-4700. Again, that’s 1-800-522-4700. This is the number run by the National Council on Problem Gambling, and it covers all 50 states. They’re going to have information and be able to guide you on the path to seek help in the area where you live.

And these hotlines aren’t just available in the United States—they’re available around the world. So just simply open up a web browser, type in “gambling help” or “gambling hotline,” and you’ll be able to find the information for your local area.

In addition to the hotlines, there are numerous places where you can find gambling support and information online. If you go to gamblingstillsucks.com/help, I’ll list some of these things, and I’ll continue to add to this as I find new resources—whether they’re chat groups, online forums, or just great information. So again, that was gamblingstillsucks.com/help.

As a disclaimer, this podcast does not provide legal or medical advice. Look, I’m not a doctor, a therapist, or an attorney. I’m just a guy who had a gambling problem. So while we’ll discuss a lot of topics and I’ll provide a lot of insight into what’s worked for me, please seek out the help of a professional. Go visit a lawyer, a doctor, or a therapist to help you deal with your gambling problem. The information that we discuss is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as professional legal or medical advice. Relying on the information appearing on the podcast is solely at your own risk.

The music for this podcast is “Something Elated” by Broke For Free and is licensed under Creative Commons.