Hey there, and welcome to the After Gambling Podcast. My name is Jamie. I am a compulsive gambler, and I’m also the host of this show. The last time I gambled was July 15th of 2010.
Now, today’s episode is one that I’ve had kind of on the back burner for a while, and I just kind of haven’t had other things to say, and all of a sudden, I was like, “Wait a second, I haven’t done the 20 Questions episode.” So that’s what we’re going to do today.
So what I’m going to be doing is asking myself the 20 questions that are from the Gamblers Anonymous handbook, and you can find these online, gamblersanonymous.org. I’ll put a link in the show notes so you can follow along, or you can just follow along as I go. I’m going to be reading the question, answering it to myself, reflect on it. And that’s really, I think, today’s goal: it’s to not only answer the questions but offer some reflection on those different topics.
So without further ado, here we go.
Question 1: Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
And yes, and yes. So I’ve said before that I was the 4.0 student. I was a perfect student in all accounts: middle school, high school, and even starting college. It wasn’t always 4.0 perfect grades in college, but they were always very, very good. But then, my grades, if you matched up my grades to my gambling, it’d be pretty easy to figure out how things were progressing because by the time I was done, I was skipping classes, I was almost never going to class. I remember showing up at a class for about the second or third time with about two to three weeks left in the semester, pretty much begging the professor for a way to get through and pass the class. And, uh, yeah, my grades definitely suffered.
And my work — I lost time from work. I was self-employed, but I wasn’t spending any time on my business. And so, my business was doing awful. Completely awful. All the while I was telling everybody it was doing great. So you had that kind of inner conflict going on, but yes, I definitely lost time from work or school due to gambling.
Question 2: Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Yes, um, in so many different ways it made my home life unhappy. Living that lie again, going back to the same thing, telling everybody everything’s great when it’s not and trying to hide things. I mean, just purely trying to hide my gambling made my personal life and my home life extremely unhappy. So yeah, how did that work out? Not very well. It made it so that the people that I cared most about, I was lying my ass off to them, which feels pretty crappy.
Question 3: Did gambling affect your reputation?
Now I’d like to think that it didn’t because I would like to think that I was so good at hiding it that it didn’t affect or impact my reputation. But I know that it did because along the way, there were several people that said, “Hey Jamie, we notice that you’re playing a lot of poker. Don’t know if that’s really a good thing, we’re worried about you.” So it definitely affected my reputation.
And obviously, I think that’s one of those things that when we get into recovery, we’re worried about trying to protect that image still — that image that we want other people to see. So yeah, it definitely impacted my reputation when I was gambling. And then early on in recovery, because I thought there was a stigma, and I think it was mostly self-implied. I’m sure there are people that look at me and say, “Hey, yeah, you must not be a very good person because you fell into this addiction.”
Question 4: Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
Yes, yes, I definitely felt remorse after gambling, pretty much not even when the last dollar was gone. There’s always that kind of just relief or whatever when the last dollar was gone, but you feel the remorse even before that. When you’re getting down as a poker player, and you’re getting down and you don’t have much money left, you can barely make a difference. Even if you win, you know you’re not really going to win it all back. You hope you would, but it’s kind of that hopeless feeling.
Yes, I definitely felt remorse after my gambling. And the question of “How did that work out?” Again, that was one of those things that really just snowballs into this giant depression — “Why was I so stupid? How did I do this again? I was up, why didn’t I quit when I was ahead?” All those questions start to come in, so there’s that remorse that then leads to kind of second-guessing and things that lead to depression, yeah, and anxiety over “How am I going to pay bills now?” “Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize that I was… I should have just stepped away, I knew I was up, I knew I had to pay rent next week, now I don’t have the money.”
Question 5: Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
Yes. And this one, obviously, this is kind of that one very unique thing about gambling. It’s one of the only addictions, maybe the only one, where continuing to engage in your addiction seems like the way out. You feel like gambling is the way to get money to pay off your debts and to get out of the problem that you created by gambling. It doesn’t make any sense, but we’ve had wins, we’ve had some successes, so we see that as the only way out of our problems.
So yes, I definitely gambled to get money to pay debts or solve financial difficulties. And how did that work out? Well, it worked out to the point that I accumulated six-figure debt. Not very good.
Question 6: Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
Yes, to all of these. Ambition and efficiency — the ambition, I’ve always been very ambitious. I’ve always thought big things, definitely more so in efficiency. I had big thoughts, big dreams, big hopes, but I didn’t follow through. I was spending all my time gambling, so the efficiency was piss-poor. It wasn’t there. There was no efficiency.
So it definitely impacted my ambition and efficiency, more so my efficiency. Ambition? I don’t know. I guess it impacted it because it changed what I was being ambitious about. I wasn’t being ambitious about being a good friend, a good family member, a good business owner. I was ambitious about trying to become a good poker player. So yes, I guess it definitely did.
And the question, as I said — the add-on question, “How did that work out?” — it didn’t work out very well. It wrecked my views of where I would be, and the efficiency just… I thought it was a shortcut, and it definitely was not a shortcut. I am on the longest cut possible, it feels like at many times.
Question 7: After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
Yes. This is one that I think everybody probably answers yes to. If you’re a compulsive gambler, you’re in that cycle of trying to win back what you lost. The shame that comes with it — you don’t want to go home a loser, you don’t want to face your family or anyone else and say, “I lost.”
So what do you do? You keep chasing those losses, and it leads you down this never-ending spiral. I think many of us have had those nights where you think, “If I can just win this next hand or this next bet, I’ll be able to walk away.” And you never do. So yes, after losing, I definitely felt that need to return as soon as possible to win back what I lost.
Question 8: After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Yes. And I like to say, I think the wins — people focus on the losses. The losses are the things that we definitely remember, but the wins — those are the things that we really remember. Those are the urges, the thoughts, the emotions, that feeling, that high feeling, which is a false feeling. And I want to get into that on another episode. But yes, the wins are what drive the compulsive gambler, in many cases.
You remember that big win, and you’re always chasing that feeling again. It becomes this sort of endless loop of trying to capture that moment. And like I’ve mentioned before, it’s never just the win. That high is always followed by an equally or greater low. And once you recognize that, it becomes easier to step away from the urge to gamble again after a win.
Question 9: Did you ever gamble until all your money was gone?
If you’re listening to this podcast, you probably know the answer to this question is yes. I definitely gambled until all my money was gone. And if I still had access to more money, I probably would’ve gambled that away too.
This one is pretty straightforward. It’s a common experience for compulsive gamblers to just keep going until there’s nothing left — and even after that, when you borrow or go into credit, it just gets worse.
Question 10: Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Yes. This is one of the more painful questions for me because borrowing money, especially from the people closest to you, is just a deep, deep hurt. I borrowed money from family members, and while I’d like to believe that when I accepted that money I had good intentions — that I wanted to stop and that I knew how much damage I had done — ultimately, it didn’t turn out that way.
I wasn’t borrowing money directly to gamble most of the time. I’d borrow money to pay bills or cover up the financial mess I was in because of gambling, but it always ended up the same way — I was financing my gambling addiction, one way or another. That caused a lot of strain in my relationships, and it’s something that’s taken a long time to rebuild. So yeah, borrowing to finance my gambling was probably one of the worst things I did.
Question 11: Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
Yes. This might have been one of those questions I initially said no to because I didn’t physically take things to a pawn shop, but when I reflect back on it, I realize there were definitely times when I sold things or made decisions to get money that ultimately went toward gambling. For example, selling business assets or using money from sales that should have gone toward growing the business but instead was funneled into gambling.
And like one of the members at GA said, “I sold my soul.” That really stuck with me because, even if we didn’t physically sell possessions, we sold our integrity and parts of ourselves. So, yes, I sold things to finance gambling, whether directly or indirectly.
Question 12: Were you reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures?
Yes. And this is one that can be tricky for people to answer because, at first glance, you think, “Well, no, I paid my bills.” But then you realize, as a compulsive gambler, you mentally sectioned off a portion of your money as “gambling money.” There was always this internal dialogue of holding money back for gambling, even when that money should have gone to normal living expenses.
I remember thinking, “I’ll pay this bill, but I’ll leave some money in my account to gamble with, and I’ll win, and then I’ll use those winnings to pay the rest.” It never worked out that way, of course. So yes, I definitely held back gambling money, and it led to a lot of trouble paying bills and taking care of responsibilities.
Question 13: Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Yes, without a doubt. When you’re deep in a gambling addiction, you don’t care about anything else. You stop thinking about what’s best for your family, for your health, for your future. You become completely absorbed in chasing that next win or covering up the losses.
There were times when I was physically present, but mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t there for the people who mattered most. It was always about gambling. And how did that work out? Terribly. It caused a lot of pain for those around me, and it took years to rebuild trust and relationships.
Question 14: Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
Yes. This is another one that’s a very common experience for compulsive gamblers. I’d always say, “I’m just going to play for an hour” or “I’ll only spend this much,” but those limits went out the window as soon as I started.
There were countless nights where I stayed up way longer than I should have, gambling until the early morning, losing track of time entirely. Once you’re in that cycle, you lose control of your ability to stick to your plans. And it always ends up worse than you anticipated.
Question 15: Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom, loneliness, grief, or loss?
Yes, to all of those. Gambling was my way of escaping the stress of life, the uncertainty, the loneliness. If I was feeling anxious about the future or worried about something in my personal life, gambling was an easy way to not think about it — at least temporarily.
But as I’ve said before, gambling is never an actual solution. It just kicks the can down the road and makes those feelings worse when you eventually have to face them. I used gambling to avoid dealing with my problems, and that’s something I still reflect on to this day.
Question 16: Have you ever committed or considered committing an illegal act to finance gambling?
Yes. This is one of those questions that many people initially say no to because they think, “I didn’t rob a bank” or “I didn’t steal anything.” But when you really stop and think about it, there are smaller things that might have crossed your mind. Writing a bad check, for instance, is an illegal act. Not paying back money you borrowed could technically be considered a form of theft.
And then there’s the idea of considering it. Just thinking about taking money that wasn’t mine to fund gambling crossed my mind at times. So, yes, I definitely considered illegal acts, even if I didn’t go through with them. It’s part of the spiral of addiction.
Question 17: Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Yes. Whether it was staying up all night gambling or lying awake afterward, worrying about how I was going to cover up my losses or pay the bills, gambling definitely disrupted my sleep. The stress, anxiety, and constant worry that come with compulsive gambling made it nearly impossible to have a good night’s sleep.
And that lack of sleep only worsened everything else. It affected my mood, my energy levels, and my ability to function during the day. It was just a vicious cycle of gambling, worrying, and not sleeping.
Question 18: Do arguments, disappointments, or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
Yes, and this one is interesting because it’s phrased in the present tense: “Do.” Even in recovery, I can say that arguments or frustrations can still create that urge to escape, to go back to gambling. But now, I’ve learned to recognize that urge for what it is — an unhealthy coping mechanism.
In the past, though, anytime something went wrong, my first thought was, “I need to gamble.” It was a way to avoid dealing with the emotions or frustrations in my life. Now I’m more aware of that tendency, but it’s still something I need to stay vigilant about.
Question 19: Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
Yes. Anytime something positive happened in my life, I’d think, “I should celebrate by gambling.” It’s part of that flawed thinking that gambling was a fun activity, a reward, when in reality, it was the thing causing all the problems.
Even after a win, that urge to go back and try to win more was always there. And, of course, it usually led to losing it all again. So yeah, gambling was how I celebrated good things — which, looking back, doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the addiction at work.
Question 20: Have you ever considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of gambling?
Yes. And this is probably the hardest question of them all. When you’re in that dark place and gambling has taken everything from you, it’s easy to feel hopeless. You think the world would be better off without you, that your family and friends would be better off without your problems.
But I’m so thankful that I never acted on those thoughts. And if you’re listening and you’re having those thoughts, please reach out to someone. Talk to a professional, call a hotline, do whatever you need to do to get help. It’s not worth it. There’s always a way out of this, and things can get better.
That wraps up the 20 questions from Gamblers Anonymous. Like I said, if you want to take a look at them yourself, you can find them online. These questions really help you reflect on your past behavior and how far you’ve come in recovery. They’re a great tool for self-assessment, and they remind you of the progress you’ve made.
Thanks again for listening to the After Gambling Podcast. If you ever need to reach out, you can find me on social media @AfterGambling, or send me an email at jamie@aftergambling.com. And as always, remember that I’m not a doctor or therapist, so please seek out professional help for any serious issues. Take care, and I’ll see you in the next episode.
