Episode 36 of the After Gambling Podcast: “Do Things Get Better Over Time?”
Introduction:
Hey there, and welcome to the After Gambling Podcast. My name is Jamie. I am a compulsive gambler, and I’m also the host of this show. The last time I gambled was July 15th, 2010.
Today, I wanted to tackle a very tough topic. It’s something that I won’t say that I’ve avoided, but I really wasn’t sure how to handle it. It’s the question of whether things get better over time. Do the urges go away? Do the thoughts of gambling just disappear as time goes on? Does the depression go away? Does the anxiety go away? All those things that we really feel, especially early on in recovery—it’s those things that make us hope for a better tomorrow. Otherwise, why are we doing this?
And the reason that I say I’m hesitant to do this is because, no, it’s not a perfect future. I’ll say upfront, I still struggle with thoughts, urges—they’re not very strong at this point, but they’re still there. And yes, I still think back to the money that’s lost. I think about lost time. As much as I try to stay in the present and stay focused on just today, it’s inevitable that my mind wanders back, and I look back with regret, with shame, and all those types of feelings.
The Reality of Recovery:
So, I’ll start off by saying that yes, those things still exist in the future. This probably isn’t what you wanted to hear. You probably wanted to hear me say, “Yeah, after eight years, I don’t have any thoughts, I don’t have any urges, all of my money issues are gone, I don’t think at all about the past, and everything is just perfect.” That would be the thing that I would love to tell you. I’d love to tell you that in eight years, or in three years, or whatever your timeline is, everything gets magically better. But I also want to be real with you. And I want to tell you that no, those things still linger.
Gambling has had an impact on every day of my life for probably the last 17 or 18 years. Basically, half of my life has been touched in some way by gambling. So at this point, you might be thinking, “Well, this wasn’t exactly how I expected this episode to go.” But I don’t want you to lose hope. I don’t want you to get off track.
There Is Hope:
I think the next thing I’m going to say is the most important takeaway from all of this. It’s that while I still have thoughts and urges, while I still struggle with the past, all of those things are at a fraction—at a very, very small fraction—of what they would be if I were still gambling. If today, I decided, “You know what? I still struggle with all these things, so I might as well struggle while gambling.” No. Going back to gambling would make all of these problems ten times worse, a hundred times worse, a thousand times worse, whatever that number is. Let’s just say it’s extreme.
The problems I’m experiencing today are very, very small in the grand scheme of things. I would not trade my problems today for the problems I would have today if I was still gambling. So, I think that’s the one thing that we have to really focus on. Going back to a life without gambling, that fantasy—it doesn’t exist. We don’t know what life would have been like if we’d never started gambling. Maybe we would have gotten into something else. Maybe life would have been harder in a different way.
But at this point, we’ve paid the price, and we’ve learned. We’ve gone through the struggle, and now we get to a place where life is easier. That’s a good word for it—easier. Because no life is free of pain. No life is free of struggle. That was a big takeaway from Mark Manson’s book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*. It’s true that we don’t get to choose a life without problems. We simply get to choose which problems we want to have in our life. At this point, I will gladly take the problems that I have, which are dealing with the occasional thought or urge or wondering, “Man, what would my bank account look like if I didn’t gamble?”
The Grass Is Not Always Greener:
Even though that’s a daily thought, it’s still a small piece of each day. It lingers, but it’s also a reminder of why I enjoy the problems I have now, rather than the problems I would create if I decided that quitting gambling wasn’t worth it anymore. So, what problems are we going to choose? That’s really what it comes down to.
When you get into those moments where you’re struggling, when you’re feeling down, when you have urges, or when you think, “If this is as good as it gets, maybe I should go back to gambling,” think about this episode. Think, “Yes, but what would my life look like if I went back to gambling? Which problems would I be dealing with then?” Today, I’m dealing with these problems, which I know. And I think it’s the “grass is always greener” mentality. When we really play it out in our heads, we know that the problems we’d create would be exponentially worse.
Sure, the highs might be a little higher with gambling, but they’re short-lived highs that come with equally devastating lows. Living a life that’s a little more in the middle, with small fluctuations, is much better than a life of extreme highs and extreme lows.
Conclusion:
I’m not going to make this a long episode. I just want to wrap it up by saying thank you for letting me share this. This is something that’s been in my head and on my heart for a long time. I wanted to be real with you. I never wanted to paint an unrealistic picture of the future. But I also didn’t want to discourage you. Hopefully, by listening to the whole episode, you understand where I’m coming from. I am not discouraged. My problems are so much better now.
The tricky thing is reminding myself that my problems are so much better now. That’s where we can fall into the pit—thinking that our current problems are equal to what they would be if we went back to gambling. That’s simply not true. It’s not factual. When we really sit down and look at it, we realize that the problems we have because of our gambling disorder are minor in the overall scope of things.
I always liken it to getting treatment for a disease. If we had some other illness, would it be an annoyance to take medicine or go to the doctor? Sure. But it would be a whole lot better than going back to the pain and suffering of untreated disease. And that’s what this is. Hopefully, this makes a lot of sense.
Hang in there. Remember that we don’t get to choose a life without problems. We get to choose which problems we want, and the problems of not gambling are far better than the problems with gambling.
Outro:
Finally, remember: I’m not a doctor, I’m not an attorney, I’m not a therapist. Please seek professional help. This is a serious disorder, and everybody’s situation is unique. If you’re struggling and feeling down, go talk to a therapist. It helps to get the weight off your shoulders. I liken it to paying someone to take away the mental “trash” that you don’t want to put on your friends or family. A therapist can help carry that weight in a healthy way.
Music for the show is Something Elated by Broke for Free, licensed under the Creative Commons license. Thanks for listening, and I will see you in the next episode.
