Much of our focus as problem gamblers is on the financial losses and debts from our gambling addiction. However, the financial losses are just one small piece of the devastation caused by gambling.
In this episode, we discuss other things beyond monetary losses which helps us see the whole story about our addiction.
This is episode 31 of the After Gambling Podcast.
In this episode, we’ll go beyond monetary losses to talk about the other things we lose when we spend our time gambling.
Hey there and welcome to the After Gambling Podcast. My name is Jamie. I am a compulsive gambler, and I’m also the host of this show. The last time I gambled was July 15th of 2010.
Recently, there’s been a lot of activity on the Reddit problem gambling sub. So if you haven’t been on there, please go on there. If it’s your first time, post and introduce yourself. Tell a little bit about yourself, your story, and then also just go on and comment on other people’s posts. It’s something that I’m in the habit of doing. Obviously, each person—especially first-time posters—doesn’t necessarily go and read other posts; they’re just kind of sharing their story, that first little step.
So having responses to each post, I think, is very important because it gives that feedback, that confirmation that other people are struggling and also gives them guidance going forward. It’s something I try to do. So if you have a chance, you can check that out. It’s on the bottom of the webpage, or you can just go to Reddit and search for “problem gambling.”
One post that was on recently that kind of triggered this episode was a comment about how we lose so much more than just money when we’re gambling. The poster really summed it up well, talking about the other things we lose and how our focus is often so much on the monetary losses—the debt that we’re in. That’s where the addiction really thrives because when we focus on those things, I’ve said before, it’s such a unique addiction because it seems like the only way out is to continue on in your addiction. If you only have X amount of dollars to your name, it seems like it makes sense to say, “What do I have to lose at this point? I’ll just keep gambling.” It feels like the only way out, and I think that’s a dangerous mindset.
That was my approach, and as I’ve mentioned before, it got me into six-figure debt, which will end up being a seven-figure total lifetime loss when you factor in all the other things I could have done with that money. But I’ve also talked about how the money—that’s not the thing that really gets to me. It’s the lost time and the lost relationships. Those are the two big ones that I want to focus on in this episode.
Once you have some time away from the addiction, you start to look back, and those are the things that really keep me from going back. Obviously, I don’t want to go back to the financial ruin. I’m at the point where I’m just starting to get almost out of those financial ruins, so that’s something I don’t want to return to. But even bigger is the lost time and the lost relationships. When we look back, we realize sometimes it’s too late. Sometimes people have passed, and we can’t go back and get time with those loved ones—whether it be parents, friends, or other family members. And then there are also the relationships that we throw away because we don’t have time to spend with our friends. When our friends are in need, we don’t have time for them because we’re too busy going to the casino.
You read all the stories online about people that leave their children in their cars or their elderly grandparents in the cars while they go in to gamble. I think they probably go in with the thought of, “Hey, I’m just going to go in for five minutes.” And then hours later, they’re still there. That’s just one extreme example. But really, the deeper loss is that total loss of time.
I know I’ve mentioned before some of the most influential GA meetings I’ve been to that have had the most impact on my life and my recovery have been the ones where people share their stories about lost time and lost relationships. Because money is just money. We can get money back. It sucks to be in debt, but money is replaceable. Love and connection, though—that’s something deeper and a lot harder to replace.
When we’re gambling, we don’t necessarily think about the moments in our children’s lives that we’re missing, the moments in our friends’ lives, or our other family members—siblings, parents. I think that’s the most devastating thing, and that’s why I think it’s important to really talk about this and explore it.
Think about it: you can get a new job tomorrow, or within the next couple of years, with some training or new experiences. The money will fix itself. But those lost relationships and lost time—that’s truly a priceless asset that we all have, and it’s all in limited supply. I think it’s important to look at it that way because when we start to focus on things beyond monetary losses, the power of the addiction fades. It isn’t the only way out to go back to gambling to fix the money. When we start to look at it and say, “Okay, by going back to this, I’m giving up time and relationships, and I’m risking not spending time with loved ones,” we start to understand what we’re truly risking.
I say this on the heels of my son’s last T-ball game last night. I’ve been helping out coaching, and I have to say it’s probably the most fun that I’ve had in a long time. These are all five to seven-year-old kids, and they are so excited to be there. They love playing, and I get to give them high fives when they get a hit and run to first base, and they are just so excited. This is a moment that if I were still gambling—even if I were there and coaching, which I probably wouldn’t be because I would have figured out a way to get out of it—I wouldn’t have been in the mindset that I wanted to do it. I would have spent the time there thinking about my bets and when I could go play poker again. I would have missed out. I wouldn’t have been the person smiling at first base, happy to see these kids.
Now, I would really regret it, and I wouldn’t even know I regret it until much later when I look back and realize I missed it, or see somebody else experiencing that joy. It’s really been a monumental experience doing this coaching, reaffirming that everything I’m doing is the right thing because it allows me to be present. And I’m not present all the time—nobody is. It’s a constant work in progress. But being able to enjoy the sport, see these kids’ excitement, and enjoy myself is priceless. I know I would have missed out on that.
I’ve met people who missed out on those moments, and they’re devastated by it. We work really hard in recovery to repair those relationships. It plays into that whole Johan Hari belief that the opposite of addiction is connection. The connection I feel now as I do this podcast, coach T-ball, and share my story is something that is just reconnecting each one of those dots. It’s really powerful. It makes it so that the financial end of things—I’ve always said, look, the debts will get paid off when they get paid off, and I don’t beat myself up about it. There was a time I tried to race through them, but I realized that actually made things worse for me. The focus on them kept me in that depression and made the desire to gamble stronger because it was a way to pay them off quickly. Now, it’s just, “Hey, slow and steady wins the race.”
So, that’s probably going to wrap this one up. I want you to take some time. When you finish this, don’t flip over to another podcast or open up Facebook. Don’t go back to work or whatever—just take five to ten minutes and think about things that you’re doing now in recovery that you wouldn’t have done before. Or think about things you rushed through to get to gambling, and consider how you would have felt if you had been able to be present in those moments.
We can’t go back and change the past, but now that we’re aware, we are responsible for changing our future. It all starts one day at a time. Take some time, be present with the people around you, and do some reflecting. Don’t go too deep, but just look forward. Each day, I try to measure how I’m doing. Sometimes I fail miserably at being present, but just being aware of it has been very important in my recovery to keep me on the right path—one that doesn’t bring me back to gambling, which is a drain on my time, my relationships, and my finances.
When we look at the full picture, it’s not just about money. If it were only about money, then maybe going back to gambling would make sense. But we all realize at some point that no win would ever be big enough. I could have won a huge tournament for millions of dollars, and I would just want to do it again and again, chasing that feeling until the money was gone. And along the way, I would lose the experiences, the time, and the relationships.
So, take some time and reflect. I’ll keep this one short. I will be on vacation next week, and I’ll try to get out a podcast. But if I don’t, I will see you in two weeks. I really appreciate you listening. We’re way over 10,000 downloads at this point. If you’re listening to this, it’s early August of 2018. It’s been cool to see it take off, and it gives me motivation to keep going forward.
If you have a couple of minutes, please leave a review. It helps other people find the podcast. The more ratings and reviews we have, the higher it ranks in the algorithm, making it easier for people to find. There are plenty of shows about how to gamble, so let’s try to boost this one up there so people can find it when searching.
As always, thank you for listening. Remember, everything we discuss here is for informational purposes. This is a serious disorder, and I want you to seek help from a medical professional. Go see a therapist, talk to your doctor, and seek the help you deserve. This is a serious illness, just like any other illness or disorder. Please get the proper treatment you need.
Finally, the music for the show is “Something Elated” by Broke For Free and is licensed under the Creative Commons license. Thanks again for listening, and I’ll see you in the next episode.